My uncle died yesterday. Mom was out, and we couldn't find a way to tell her. We wanted her to know not when she's outside, but surrounded by us. I was the one who uttered the words that I knew would make her cry. I had nothing else to say. I cannot tell her to stop crying. I cannot say that everything will be alright. I cannot say that her brother's death was for the better. Selfish as I am, death is not something I can look and shrug at. I cannot think of anything positive about losing someone you care about.
All the time that Mom was crying, I was looking at Dale playing with my iPhone. He glanced back and forth at us. I knew he was a little confused. He does not like death, either. He cannot stand TV shows that shows cruelty, pain, and loss. He cries, shouts, hands on his ears, and runs to another room.
He then came to me and said "It's annoying. Make her stop. Why is she crying? He's just her brother!"
I had to hide my shock. My head was spinning with this new revelation.
Could it be that my son cannot feel remorse or sadness over this? Or did he just say that because he did not want his grandmother to feel this amount of pain?
During dinner, Mom told him about my uncle. Dale told her "Uh... let's stop. You might cry again."
This morning I asked him if he feels sad that my uncle died. He said "Uh... I really don't know him that well."
Then I asked, if ever I die, will he cry? He said "Of course, I will cry. But remember, Mama is still here." Meaning, he will still have someone else with him.
I asked him, what if we lose his brother or sister. He said "Um... I don't know. Sometimes, they are good to me, and sometimes they are not."
Death is plain and simple to Dale. There are no whos or whys. I do not know if it is good or bad. I do not know if I should be glad that he seems to be oblivious.
All I know is that I wish I'm still there for him when he suddenly understands death like the rest of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment