If you're troubled...

Halos lahat ng aspeto sa buhay, nagka-problema na ko.  pamilya, anak, asawa (super problem to the maximum level), kalusugan.  i will not deny that i have done some stupid things that i thought will make those problems go away.

i've been crying for more than half of my life, I came to a point that I'm not sure anymore if there is a God.

Then I realized, if there is no God, then everything is on me.  I have to make do of what I have.  I made a checklist in my head.  Asked myself who and what I was living for.  I called this list, my reasons for breathing.  Topping that list were my children.  And that's enough.  I could've stopped there.  But, everyday, I see things that makes it to the list.  Small things, like seeing a butterfly on the porch perched in a flower pot.

Now, I admit, I am a little scared of dying.  Not because of myself.  I am afraid for the people I will be leaving behind.  I know they will not survive that.  So, even if I felt like giving up, I couldn't.  I've been in and out of the hospital too much, the lab people are sick of me.  But I'm still here.  I still am breathing.  Because I do not live one day at a time anymore.  I live one breath at a time. 

I do think of the future.  I have to, because of Dale (my son who has autism).  The days that I have left here breathing, I would like to dedicate on keeping my family together.  I stopped being angry with my husband's failures or "kakulangan," as my mother always says.  Because I accepted the fact that I, too, have them.  I just had to open my eyes and realize them.

I am teaching my children to love one another, because in the end, that's all they will have left--each other.

I study not because I have to.  it's because I want to.  It makes me feel younger.  Younger means healthier.  I think my parents know this, because even if they sometimes question my decision to continue studying, they do not ask me to stop.

I take my medicines regularly, not because I want to, but because I have to.  If these expensive little pills will somehow, miraculously, give me more breaths to take, then I will take them.  As I said, not because I want to.... coz If it were me alone, I'm ready to die.  But because I have to, coz everything is not about me.

Pain is just a reminder.  Whatever you forgot, pain is there like a ribbon round your finger.

If you're crying because of pain, let them flow.  There is no shame in crying.  But, after you've exhausted yourself enough, stop.   Then face your problems.  Tears will not do you any good except for one thing. It was made to lubricate the eyes... to clean them... like windshield wipers... for you to see clearly again.

Sometimes, we all need a brick wall to bang our heads with, and that's ok.  Sometimes, you may want to die, and that's ok, too.  We're all human, anyway.  Just remember, you are alive for a reason.  Find that reason.  I don't think you need to look far.

Have faith.  Even if we don't see God, it doesn't mean He is not there.  Even if it seems like He doesn't answer your prayers, pray still.  He knows what He's doing.  After all, He is God.

I will not tell you to cheer up.  I will not tell you that I understand your pain.  I am not you.  I will also not tell you that there are people who are experiencing pain worse than yours.  Again, they are not you.

However, you are you.  You know yourself more than anyone.  Go tell yourself what you need to do.  Be brave, little one.

Dale and Girls

He looks too much like his Dad.

Dale will turn 14 this December.  We've had problems with regards to his sexuality as early as he was 9.  He would like watching love scenes in movies and tv shows.  He showed early malice.  However, when he turned 11, he understood how inappropriate some things are and he just stopped wanting to look at anything sensual, and with that came the embarrassment of kissing and hugging Mommy.

Dale is actually turning away from me during this shot.

He now does not want to hold my hand. He twists his hand away. :))  He explained that I am his Mom, and not his girlfriend.  I sometimes pout and say that maybe he doesn't love me anymore or he's embarrassed to be seen with me, so he just pats my back (the closest thing to a hug) and tells me that of course he loves me.

Happy day with Dale

He is growing up so fast.  He now towers over me.  Girls look at him differently now.  He claims that they are like "fangirls," because they call his name and pinch his cheek all the time.  "Cute," is the word they use to describe him.  I actually saw a girl give him a flying kiss last week on his way to school. @.@

His counselor said that Dale does not want to sit beside girls.  When I ask him this, he said, "You know about me and girls, Mom.  I don't want to get teased by my classmates."  

I asked him when he'll have a girlfriend, he said confidently "After college."


Before, I worry about his future, like would he be able to love?  To have a girlfriend?  To marry and have children?


When asked about the future, he said, "Mom what is the highest paying job?"  He said that he needs to have a high-paying job so he can buy a house where he could live with his wife.  He also claims that he will marry at age 26.  He computed the years when he will finish college, have a job, and save for a house.  He is really something!  

I can imagine how his kids would look like.  :)) Now, I rarely worry.  I am positive that he will accomplish his goals, and more.


p.s. 
It's actually the girls I'm worried about.  They are so liberated nowadays! PBBTeens!