understanding death

Death is no laughing matter. It is only but normal for us to feel sad and cry when someone we know and love passes away.

My uncle died yesterday. Mom was out, and we couldn't find a way to tell her. We wanted her to know not when she's outside, but surrounded by us. I was the one who uttered the words that I knew would make her cry. I had nothing else to say. I cannot tell her to stop crying. I cannot say that everything will be alright. I cannot say that her brother's death was for the better. Selfish as I am, death is not something I can look and shrug at. I cannot think of anything positive about losing someone you care about.

All the time that Mom was crying, I was looking at Dale playing with my iPhone. He glanced back and forth at us. I knew he was a little confused. He does not like death, either. He cannot stand TV shows that shows cruelty, pain, and loss. He cries, shouts, hands on his ears, and runs to another room.

He then came to me and said "It's annoying. Make her stop. Why is she crying? He's just her brother!"

I had to hide my shock. My head was spinning with this new revelation.

Could it be that my son cannot feel remorse or sadness over this? Or did he just say that because he did not want his grandmother to feel this amount of pain?

During dinner, Mom told him about my uncle. Dale told her "Uh... let's stop. You might cry again."

This morning I asked him if he feels sad that my uncle died. He said "Uh... I really don't know him that well."

Then I asked, if ever I die, will he cry? He said "Of course, I will cry. But remember, Mama is still here." Meaning, he will still have someone else with him.

I asked him, what if we lose his brother or sister. He said "Um... I don't know. Sometimes, they are good to me, and sometimes they are not."

Death is plain and simple to Dale. There are no whos or whys. I do not know if it is good or bad. I do not know if I should be glad that he seems to be oblivious.

All I know is that I wish I'm still there for him when he suddenly understands death like the rest of us.

Teacher dad

Link

In celebrating Dale's freedom from the norm

Dale is turning 12 this December. He knows his condition, but does not dwell on it.

I, on the other hand, cannot take anything lightly. Not when it involves him. You might call me an over-reacting sensitive person. But, I am really, just a person. I have feelings, and I doubt that Dale does not have them as well.

So when a research paper on Genetic Abnormalities was asked of him. He submitted it to his teacher with one question. He asked, "Am I abnormal?"

I was shocked that according to him, his teacher "kinda said yes." I could see in his eyes that he was confused, that he was assessing my reaction. His eyes fleeted. His first answer was a definite "yes," but I asked him "what?" and he might have thought that I would get mad, and added "kinda."

I asked my eldest if it was right for the teacher to have said so. She shook her head.

I actually did not feel too much anger. I felt pity. For my son to have heard that. I would have wanted to be there, to actually hear what and how the teacher answered my son. I might have understood better.

Someone I shared a twitter conversation with said "When I hear "abnormal", I look at the world and think "if this is normal, I don't want any part of it!" Abnormal is to be celebrated."

It might be true, but not when you come from a country like mine. Abnormal here is like having a deadly disease that can be caught from a sneeze.

Sitting on the bus alone during the class field trip, for example. That was what Dale has gone through two days ago. Being dragged fiercely by the collar by his classmate while she was trying to talk to him was another scene I saw when I fetched him from school. Etc.

It's not enough that he gets bullied in school, his brother also makes fun of him and such, at home. He's "abnormal" and he's being bullied. He's "abnormal" and his brother is jealous of him.

What is there to celebrate about?

I am not celebrating the things that might eventually hurt Dale, if he actually.. finally understood the world he lives in.

A world where parents murder their children because they want normal kids. A country where persons with disabilities are shunned, and denied of their rights.

But then again... maybe, I do have to celebrate. I have to celebrate that until now, he doesn't have a clue. That it is a cruel world we live in... and he's lucky not to fully realize yet that he's part of it. A vicious cycle. A sick-cycle carousel.

As I've mentioned before when I watched an episode of House who handled a case of a child with autism, he said:

"See, skinny socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. Everyone inside this circle is normal. Anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken, & reset, so they are brought in to the circle. Failing that you should be institutionalized, or worse, pitied."

"So, it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?"

"Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets opt-out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere, and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretion or your grandmother's itchy place. Imagine how liberating to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid, I envy him."

You know what I think, though? Dale is not the one who's "abnormal."

We are.

(Hoozah! I'll go get the beers.)

Create and Discover Integrated School

The CDIS-CCSN is an academic institution known for its credible and truthful evaluation of its students’ behaviour and performance in the school. It has provided a competent teaching staff and a conducive environment which attends to the growing demands of early learners.

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Centre for Children with Special Needs or CCSN is a clinical and educational institution which caters to the specific individual needs of children with different exceptionalities. These include children with communication, behavioural, social, cognitive and physical differences. It is a multi-disciplinary centre which includes several professionals, licensed therapists and teachers, working together toward a common goal, and that is, to further your child’s skills and maximize his potentials to achieve further independence.



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I'm a Coward.

It has been known that Dale has been afraid of a handful of things. The rain was the first which surfaced. Until now, when it rains, I always think if Dale is doing okay in school. I have been worried for almost seven years now. I cannot help worrying over him, especially when I am not with him.

That is, until today.

When we were about to watch the Dolphin show at Ocean Adventure (Subic), one of the coordinators approached us and asked if we were willing to let Dale be a volunteer for the Dolphin Encounter portion. Of course, I have to ask Dale first. He thought for a moment and said yes. I told the coordinator that we'll give it a try.

I was worried about the ramp where he is going to walk on because it's just some sort of a float. But he walked slowly but bravely, and told us he can do it. I caught him on video practicing the moves he would have to make. Still, I cannot help worrying. You can hear me saying his name on video, worried that he might go over the fence, spinning like he was. I went back to my seat, because I'm not allowed to be with him, and then waited, wishing that everything will be fine.

Then, as if God was making fun of me.... it rained.

I ran back to the holding deck and told the coordinator that Dale was scared of the rain, so if she can please let me in, and that if she can find someone else.

And then I thought, maybe this is not God making fun of me, but God pushing Dale to go further showing him that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I then told her to talk to Dale first if he's willing to get wet in the rain. She came back with a smile and said that Dale thought for a moment and said yes.

With more than a hundred people about to watch my son... they started watching me as I prayed. I said, please do not make it harder for him than it already is.... watching the other side of the sky... seeing the rain falling harder there... about to come to us still...

He came on the ramp without a care.

He went almost on the edge possibly without fear.

He touched the dolphin with careful hands.

He snapped his hand back when they said he could touch the dolphin's tongue.

He made them dance. He made them dive.



All of these he did without me by his side.



It felt like God was laughing in the heavens and telling me... "See? There really was nothing to be afraid of."

Because at that moment, I realized, I was the one who was scared.

Dale was there to make me brave, because he already is.

Update

Dale developed a fever yesterday, highest was 39. The doctor said it might be because of the leg, or it might be because of something else, since he's been sneezing, too. He was prescribed an antibiotic (na pagkamahal-mahal!).

His leg is doing better, btw.

so, i went to the guidance office yesterday, but before that I already called them to set an appointment. the one who answered asked me what it was about, and I said it was kinda serious, that I wanted to see THE guidance counselor, and that Dale was in the hospital (i didn't say doctor's clinic) because of a classmate.

before I got there, of course, the buzz was already going on. the adviser was so nervous that she already talked to the other teachers, coz apparently, NOBODY knows what's been going on. All the teachers suspected Karl, though, coz he's been bullying daw Dale lagi. (It's Clyde who was doing the karate chops on him.)

when you go to school to pick up Dale, you'll notice that almost everyone calls his name. and Dale doesn't respond to it. i knew why when I talked to him. He said, it's irritating!

of course, it does! who wouldn't be irritated? kahit tayong mga "normal" people, maiirita.

so, I told them to talk to the whole class, and other classes as well, to stop it. Dale is special enough for him to realize it, as well.

My children are well-known sa school nila, because of Dale and my daughter, Anea, who's always at the top of her class. My bunso, Tony, gets attention, too, because of them. And since they all speak in English (Anea and Tony can speak Tagalog), they really can stand out among native-speakers. Lalo na kapag naguusap na silang magkakapatid. They can't help it, coz Dale wouldn't understand them if they don't, so it just comes naturally. And this is one point that the teachers and counselors gave me as a reason why Dale gets a lot of attention.

Well, that's swell! Pano na lang yun, eh ganun na talaga si Dale since he learned how to talk? *sigh*

when I told them about the fighting and tripping incident, they assured me that it will be dealt with accordingly. they all flipped when they learned that the tripping was done by two grade one girl students. syempre nga naman, ano namang connection nila kay Dale.

No, I did not freak out or tell them off like a non-educated mother. As a "teacher" as well, I understand the difficulty of the situation. I know that the teachers are doing their best naman. Considering the fact that it is a regular school and that they are not really educated in handling special children.

I also requested that the mothers of those children be notified about it, and they said that's the protocol naman. They will notify me of the developments within the week.

Hay. Wish ko lang di na maulit. *hehe*

Dale's little accident, and his classmate's soon-to-be big accident. (joke!)

Dale is special.

He talks a little faster than most kids.
He is afraid of the dark.
He is scared of the rain.
He hates trees.
He stares at nothing when boredom strikes.
He hums.

He tells me that his brain works differently.

Dale is special.

And I won't have him any other way.

I just wish that other people accepts him the way I do.






Dale woke up yesterday, and couldn't stand up straight. Couldn't walk properly. I saw his left knee was a little bigger than the other one. When I asked him, he said he didn't know what happened.

Tonight, it's still the same. My Mom will take him to the doctor tomorrow to have it checked.

I asked him again what happened to it. He then said:

"Can we talk in private?"

Jaw-dropped, I carried him to the other room so we can talk "in private."

He said that everyday, his classmate, a certain Clyde fights him (karate) during the assembly.

What he said made my blood boil. I asked him what exactly did this Clyde do to him. He became confused and irritated and said he doesn't remember exactly what happens everyday, but since Clyde attacks him, he has to block it.

I asked him if it hurts, the way Clyde attacks him, he said yes. He also mentioned two other boys who bullies him, and two girls from another section, who tripped him twice during recess, and almost made him drop his food.

Yes, Clyde is just a kid, but it doesn't stop me from being angry. Today, it might just be a sprained knee, but what about tomorrow then? Will I wait for him to have his neck broken?

I am freaking angry. Not just with him, or with their teacher, or with everybody at school. I am angry at everything. At Dale's situation. At the unfairness of it all.

When will it all stop?

I'm going to school tomorrow, and I wish that I can control my temper. But, by God, I will all make them sorry they ever messed with my son.

I do teach my children to fight for themselves. Not "fight" fight. But to stand up. Be taken seriously. "No" means no. But obviously, Dale cannot do it yet. So, I have to do it for him.

He told me not to get angry tomorrow. He is afraid that it will cause the bullies to bully him even more.

As I was helping him walk to the room, I told him:

"Get just one hair from those idiots, and i'll make them pa-barang."

He laughed. I said, "what's so funny? I mean it."

"Oh, Mom. You just say it funny."

As if he knew what barang meant. Haha.

No, of course, I didn't mean it. I don't know anyone who knows how to kasi. *laughing maniacally*

first day high

Hay... today was the first day of school. I was getting a little apprehensive days before, thinking what could go wrong today. Especially since I cannot come with him. I asked my sister-in-law to accompany my kids to school.

After an hour or two, she texted me that Dale doesn't want to go inside the classroom. Just for one reason--he's been transfered to another section.

Their school has this 'policy' that your section from Grade One will still be your section until you graduate. He was in St. Dominic for 2 years already. But the old section was dissolved. So, he's now in St. Matthew.

The guidance counsellor took an hour to convince him to go to class.

When he got home, I asked him what happened. He smiled at me, and told me that he even asked his teacher (Ms. Celedio) to take down the sign, and replace it with St. Dominic. Haha.

But he promised he will go to the room tomorrow without any problems. He even showed me his diary where he wrote his daily schedule and some reminders, in cursive, no less. He needs to practice writing in cursive now. His teachers forgave him for not doing so in Grade 2, but not this year.

I'm praying that there will be no problems tomorrow or the next, and if there were, I pray for strength, and I pray that Dale can overcome everything.

April 10

Since we have insurance already, i brought Dale and Tony to the dentist to have their teeth cleened. Here is Kuya being so happy... hehe.




and a little worried.





but he didn't cry!





And here was Anton:





his gag reflex was a little active that time, but he finished the process okay.





Next time, it will be Anea's turn (one who's really scared of the dentist).

when later becomes better

When Anea was just a baby and some of the kids I knew from my friends were growing, I'd be so envious at how they were talking so fluently in English. I'd marvel at their pronunciation and diction. I told myself my kids are going to be like these kids in the future.

True enough, they all did. Anea lost the consistent use of the language when she entered preparatory. She learned nicely in preschool. Dale gained it in special school and at home. Tony gained it because of Dale. Since Dale speaks and understands only English before, everyone was "obliged" to use it. We just realized our mistake when he entered Regular school.

But now, I'm pleased that Dale can understand more tagalog words. He can even try talking in Tagalog, but still, he's been experiencing difficulties, both with meaning and pronunciation. We studied Sibika today, and it took us a long time to get everything right.

Noli Me Tangere, he pronounces like "tangerine". And El Filibusterismo, as "bus" like what we ride on... and the "o" in the end is very-well pronounced. Super sleng, kumbaga. If you hear him say it, you might think it funny at first, but when he cannot pronounce it right after a number of tries, that's when you start to pity him.

He kept on saying Apolinio Manibi (Apolinario Mabini), and he just couldn't get it right. He started being annoyed and wanted to cry in frustration.

Until he just gave up and said he wanted to sleep coz he was so tired of studying. Of course, I let him sleep. We can always try again later.

Everything about Dale comes with perfect timing and consistency. I'm sure later, everything will be better.