a day at CCP and Anea's Wishlist

we went to CCP to jog, play some badminton and ride bikes...

it was fun.

it was tiring.

too tiring i swear even my hair hurt.

it ain't gonna happen again.

LOL.

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When I saw Anea's wishlist listed on her blog, i felt a little sad.

She wanted more attention.

I asked her what it meant. And she said that it seems like everything is about Dale or Anton. She felt that nothing is about her.

At that time, I asked myself... Was I not giving her the attention she needed?

I am not so sure.

Yes, I admit that when Dale was younger, I gave more attention to him, especially when we knew that he had autism.

But to be fair to me, I did not forget that I have a daughter. I thought about the times that I gave her this, and bought her that.

But, I guess material things does not count here. And I think that I've been giving her material things especially when she's doing good in school. Reward kind of things.

If you knew my daughter, you'd think that she's the most sensitive brat there was.
She is. Even her teachers tell her so. She is so sensitive that she takes petty things seriously. She's a perfectionist. Much like her dad. And that thought scares me.

It seems that no matter what I do, It's still not enough for her. I am thinking of what I should do to make her understand that it isn't possible to give her all the attention that she wants.

I find myself telling her that she is not the only child I have. That I also need to tend to her brothers.

Well, one thing I do know. However she's been acting, I am so proud to have her as a daughter. Her traits are the reason she's doing okay in school. Being a perfectionist does not stop her from attaining her goal.

I hope she feels that I love her more than life itself.

in defense of Arolf

Yesterday, Augee, Keiko, Roland and I talked about autism.

I was browsing the net for some Autism Awareness stuff that I'd like to have. I found this gorgeous bracelet. Well, it was gorgeous for my taste.




There were a lot of items that I wanted, but of course, they were all in the States!!!! And if you convert them to PHP, ay nakow!

So there I was...

Roland asked me why i was doing so (in a manner that I won't describe here).

And I looked at him... and saw that he didn't know yet. Oh, so that's why...

I told him that Arolf has autism. He didn't know.

I told him that was why when he teases everyone in the pantry that they were like autistic, Carlo told him "Huy, ano ba yan?!" and he looks at me apologetically, with a 'forgive them' look.

And I always go, 'it's ok.'

Roland looked shameful. hehe.

So, I had to tell Arolf's story again. i don't mind. I like to share it for people to understand what Autism really is, eventhough the pain comes rushing back.

The thought of my son living normally when he grows up... the thought of him going to college....
seems elusive at this point in time. but, slowly it comes to me in my dreams. Especially when his teacher tells me good things....

When you see him today, you won't even notice it. People who had spent time with children like him are the only ones who can see it.

Having Arolf was one of the most wonderful moments of my life. He had pneumonia when he was born. I was in the operating room for 4 hours then. I woke up in pain since the anesthesia was wearing off already.

I saw not my doctor, but another one stitching me back together. My doctor came rushing in then. She said, she was sorry she needed to see my son. That I need not worry. He will be fine.

I didn't know what to think. I was only admitted to a public hospital, and in a ward. When I was there, I saw all the other mothers there with their babies. I was the only one who doesn't have my baby by my side. Tears came.

My family were all so quiet, I couldn't stand it. I asked them where my baby was. And they said, 'the doctor said he'll be fine.'

I asked Ronald if he saw our baby yet. He was looking at nowhere and just shook his head no. Day by day, I asked him if he saw our baby yet, and he shook his head no.

I was frustrated at why nobody can tell me what went wrong!

And then he told me.

He lied to me. He was the one who took our baby for x-ray. He said he fits perfectly in the palm of his hand. He was that small.

My mom told me later on that Dada was crying when he saw our baby and was questioning why... with all the parents there, a lot of them poor... why do they have healthy babies? Achie ate good food, she took vitamins... why?

My mother didn't have the heart to tell him that because he gave me much heartache when i was conceiving.

When I saw Arolf for the first time, I wanted to cry. He was so thin! He had traces of tape on his cheek. I didn't see him when there were tubes in his nose.

When I saw him, I thought... he was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. There was a certain glow around him that i couldn't explain.

Now I could.

Because God gave me an angel for a baby.

I took him home on Christmas Eve...

I had one perfect Christmas.

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When his autism was more evident, a lot of people would stare at him.... I stare at them back and tried to guess what they were thinking.

I guessed they were thinking...

why is this child staring at the sky and humming an unfamiliar song?
why is this child mumbling foreign words?
why is this child walking around in circles?
why is this child gesturing his hands like that?

The most hurtful thought: The child is mentally disturbed.

Before, I just pitied Arolf. Now, I took stand.

Once, there was a super mean coñotic brat about 17-20 years old in the ladies room. Arolf came with me, of course. I think he was about 4 years old then.

While we were waiting for our turn, Arolf looked down under the door. I told him that was bad, and asked him not to do it again.

When the brat came out we went in and I helped Arolf pee. When we came out, I stopped to comb my hair... brat was still there powdering her nose, but she stopped in mid-air and said:

'Teach your kid not to be bastos.' and all that crap.

If it happened way back, I would just say sorry and go on our way.

That time, I turned bitchy and defended my son.

I said...

'Oh, I'm sorry if you think that my son is bastos. I think you heard me teach him not to do it again. He has Autism, that's why he really doesn't understand manners that much.'

Silence.

'Anyway, what's yours?' i asked.

'what's my what?'

'If my son has autism that's why you think he's ill-mannered, what's your excuse for being one, too?'

dumbfounded look.

i nod my head. 'that's what i thought.'

And we walked away from the stupid bitch feeling gloriously happy in a movie-like slowmotion with the Bittersweet Symphony playing in the background.

==============================

I know that I will go to the ends of the earth defending my son as long as he needs me to do it for him. I know later on that he will find a way to do it on his own. I know he will be okay. 'Coz I will be with him all the way.

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What is autism? Find it here.

Dale's take on his birthday party

Dale wanted a birthday party at the house, and not at Popeye's na. He was adamant about a Popeye's birthday party before. I dunno why he had a change of heart.

We were listing down what we needed for the party, and he even thought of the sticks to use on the hotdogs. and he precisely said that the hotdog should be long, and there should be marshmallows and pineapples on top.

He thought of the radio and the cds, the tables and chairs (with table cloth!), the cake (choco flavor with flowers and candies!), the pabitin, the party hats....

He thought of almost everything. And everytime i get home, he tells me... i wanna go to my party now. But i ask him, when is his birthday ba, and he says Dec. 17. and i go, is it Dec. 17th yet? and he goes frowning, no... and i go, so no party yet. hehe.

my baby--a girl????

his cousins dressed him up in his Ate's flower girl gown... he was so flirty and happy.

i was not.

no way.

(LOL)

The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night-Time

i was surprised when Caloi, my former supervisor, approached me in the office lobby and gave me a book to borrow. It was "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" by Mark Haddon.

He told me about it before, and I already told him that i'll borrow it. He gave it to me yesterday, with one question before he let go of it: "Kelan mo sosoli pag pinahiram ko sayo ngayon?"

I said, "Two days."

I returned it to him today, with one statement before I did: "3 hours and 27 minutes."

Yes, I read it within 3 hours and 27 minutes straight, with one pee break. It will be an understatement if i say that it was moving.

I'd say that I hated it.

I hated it because I can relate to it.
I hated it because it was an ingenious book, and the writer was brilliant.
I hated it because since it was an ingenious book and the writer was brilliant, I saw Arolf in it.
I hated it because I saw how Arolf's mind works.
I hated it since because of it I saw how Arolf's mind works, I realized that it wasn't how it should work.
I hated it because it made me worry about what will happen to Arolf when he gets older.
I hated it because it made me realize that if Ronald and I part ways, something like this can happen to Arolf.
I hated it because it was supposed to be some sort of a funny book to most people, and I found myself in tears.

There were a lot of reasons why I hated it... but mostly, I hated it because it made me weaker.

People look up to me as someone who has gone through a lot. Whether it may be with my personal life, or with Arolf's condition. I always see to it that people do not see me as someone who cannot take what life gives me. I hate it when I cry in front of someone else. I hate it when I admit that I need help.

But in reality, I do need help. In all aspects of my life.

Anyway, I'd still suggest that you buy and read it, 'coz i know that not everything is about me.

p.s.
my fingers are cold.

a day at Time Zone

ten days before Anea's birthday,
we went to Time Zone for some fun.

i think this is the first time Dale
ever tried playing and actually having so much fun...

he went around and played almost everything,
and emptied my not-too-full-to-begin-with wallet.

it was worth every penny.

The Tree

Someone sent this to me:

When my son is in his bed
And he is fast asleep
I quietly go upstairs
And into his room I creep.

I look at my beautiful child
And as I touch his golden hair
My tears they flow so gently
Knowing autism and the world out there.

I also question me at times
As his mother, am I good?
Is there something I've forgotten?
Am I doing all I could?

I will never take things for granted
Knowing life is never what it seems
When I ask myself if he's happiest
Carried away by the sweetest dreams.

Then I take a glance out of the window
And look at our graceful tree
I watch as it sways in the wind
Mesmerised - that could be me.

I think of all the different leaves
The colours as they fall
It has meaning, it has beauty
My tree - so proud and tall.

In a storm the twigs may break
(As in life will be frustration)
And yet the tree still stands
Only through its strong foundation.

I've noticed my tears have stopped
My whole being is much calmer
Knowing I've been given a gift
Understanding more about nature.

So when at times I feel unsure
Or have the need to question me
I'll remember my roots; my strength
I'll remember my special tree.

(c) Susan Harvey 2004

home alone?

this is what i got after we watched Home Alone on VCD.

cute, ain't he?