If you're troubled...

Halos lahat ng aspeto sa buhay, nagka-problema na ko.  pamilya, anak, asawa (super problem to the maximum level), kalusugan.  i will not deny that i have done some stupid things that i thought will make those problems go away.

i've been crying for more than half of my life, I came to a point that I'm not sure anymore if there is a God.

Then I realized, if there is no God, then everything is on me.  I have to make do of what I have.  I made a checklist in my head.  Asked myself who and what I was living for.  I called this list, my reasons for breathing.  Topping that list were my children.  And that's enough.  I could've stopped there.  But, everyday, I see things that makes it to the list.  Small things, like seeing a butterfly on the porch perched in a flower pot.

Now, I admit, I am a little scared of dying.  Not because of myself.  I am afraid for the people I will be leaving behind.  I know they will not survive that.  So, even if I felt like giving up, I couldn't.  I've been in and out of the hospital too much, the lab people are sick of me.  But I'm still here.  I still am breathing.  Because I do not live one day at a time anymore.  I live one breath at a time. 

I do think of the future.  I have to, because of Dale (my son who has autism).  The days that I have left here breathing, I would like to dedicate on keeping my family together.  I stopped being angry with my husband's failures or "kakulangan," as my mother always says.  Because I accepted the fact that I, too, have them.  I just had to open my eyes and realize them.

I am teaching my children to love one another, because in the end, that's all they will have left--each other.

I study not because I have to.  it's because I want to.  It makes me feel younger.  Younger means healthier.  I think my parents know this, because even if they sometimes question my decision to continue studying, they do not ask me to stop.

I take my medicines regularly, not because I want to, but because I have to.  If these expensive little pills will somehow, miraculously, give me more breaths to take, then I will take them.  As I said, not because I want to.... coz If it were me alone, I'm ready to die.  But because I have to, coz everything is not about me.

Pain is just a reminder.  Whatever you forgot, pain is there like a ribbon round your finger.

If you're crying because of pain, let them flow.  There is no shame in crying.  But, after you've exhausted yourself enough, stop.   Then face your problems.  Tears will not do you any good except for one thing. It was made to lubricate the eyes... to clean them... like windshield wipers... for you to see clearly again.

Sometimes, we all need a brick wall to bang our heads with, and that's ok.  Sometimes, you may want to die, and that's ok, too.  We're all human, anyway.  Just remember, you are alive for a reason.  Find that reason.  I don't think you need to look far.

Have faith.  Even if we don't see God, it doesn't mean He is not there.  Even if it seems like He doesn't answer your prayers, pray still.  He knows what He's doing.  After all, He is God.

I will not tell you to cheer up.  I will not tell you that I understand your pain.  I am not you.  I will also not tell you that there are people who are experiencing pain worse than yours.  Again, they are not you.

However, you are you.  You know yourself more than anyone.  Go tell yourself what you need to do.  Be brave, little one.

understanding death

Death is no laughing matter. It is only but normal for us to feel sad and cry when someone we know and love passes away.

My uncle died yesterday. Mom was out, and we couldn't find a way to tell her. We wanted her to know not when she's outside, but surrounded by us. I was the one who uttered the words that I knew would make her cry. I had nothing else to say. I cannot tell her to stop crying. I cannot say that everything will be alright. I cannot say that her brother's death was for the better. Selfish as I am, death is not something I can look and shrug at. I cannot think of anything positive about losing someone you care about.

All the time that Mom was crying, I was looking at Dale playing with my iPhone. He glanced back and forth at us. I knew he was a little confused. He does not like death, either. He cannot stand TV shows that shows cruelty, pain, and loss. He cries, shouts, hands on his ears, and runs to another room.

He then came to me and said "It's annoying. Make her stop. Why is she crying? He's just her brother!"

I had to hide my shock. My head was spinning with this new revelation.

Could it be that my son cannot feel remorse or sadness over this? Or did he just say that because he did not want his grandmother to feel this amount of pain?

During dinner, Mom told him about my uncle. Dale told her "Uh... let's stop. You might cry again."

This morning I asked him if he feels sad that my uncle died. He said "Uh... I really don't know him that well."

Then I asked, if ever I die, will he cry? He said "Of course, I will cry. But remember, Mama is still here." Meaning, he will still have someone else with him.

I asked him, what if we lose his brother or sister. He said "Um... I don't know. Sometimes, they are good to me, and sometimes they are not."

Death is plain and simple to Dale. There are no whos or whys. I do not know if it is good or bad. I do not know if I should be glad that he seems to be oblivious.

All I know is that I wish I'm still there for him when he suddenly understands death like the rest of us.