sad

hay... i just feel so sad today... Dale went home from school and when i saw his diary, it was stamped with a note from the guidance office. he was sent there coz he hit his classmate (Ryuji) with a pencil. Ryuji got a nasty cut on the side of his face near his ear.

Though Ryuji explained that it was his fault, coz he kept on nudging Dale's hand when he was drawing causing him to miss some lines, that is no excuse for Dale to hurt anyone... this was one of my worst fears when I knew that he'll be starting regular school. iba na kasi syempre pag regular school... mas mahigpit... pwede siyang makickout sa dami ng violations...

i know i'm being hard on him and myself... pero i can't help it. i worry lagi... gusto ko lang talaga siya mapabuti... i'm not wishing for anything grand... i'm not after medals... i just want him to be... NORMAL.

i talked to Dale and as punishment i made him write HITTING IS BAD in two pieces of paper. Of course, i had to tell some lies.... and that if he keep on doing bad things, he will be sent back to SPED. that i feel bad and if he keeps on doing bad things, i might get sick and be sent to the hospital... i know, i'm evil. i hate it.

Minsan.

Ang dami kong iniisip nitong mga nakaraang araw. Sa sobrang dami, laging nasakit ang ulo ko. Parang napupuno ng napakaraming tanong pero wala namang kasagutan.

Pumapasok na si Arolf sa eskwelahan. Nung unang araw, hinatid ko sila ni Anea. Hinintay ko sandali. Nagmasid ako sa silid nila, tinitingnan kung maayos na nagaaral si Arolf. Nakita ko siyang kiming nagtataas ng kamay. Nagsasalita ng walang nakikinig. Tumatayo ng hindi naman dapat.

Binalikan ko siya bago sila maguwian. Inabutan ko syang palabas ng silid may hawak na tissue. Alam ko, dudumi siya. Yun ang isa pang iniisip ko. Walang oras ang kanyang pagdumi. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung pano ko ito sasabihin sa kanyang mga guro. Hindi pa naman siya gaanong marunong. Nakita ko rin ang banyo, hindi naman gaanong malinis. Nakakatakot na baka makakuha siya ng sakit dahil sa paggamit ng maduming banyo.

Hindi siya nagsulat sa kanilang diary. May assignment pa naman. Kailangan niyang magsaulo ng kung anu-ano. Vision, Mission, Morning Prayer, etc. Naisip ko na, mahihirapan siya. Tama nga ako. Dalawang araw na naming sinasaulo ang mga ito, hindi pa rin niya masaulo lahat. Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto kong sumuko. Naisip ko tuloy, bakit ako ang binigyan ng Panginoon ng ganitong pagsubok? Bigla kong binawi, dahil naisip ko, hindi siya isang pagsubok--anak ko siya.

Masakit isipin na pwedeng isang araw ay bigla na lamang siyang huminto sa pagaaral. Pwedeng umayaw siya dahil sa hindi na niya kaya ang mga pinagagawa sa kanya ng kanyang mga guro. Lagi kong naririnig sa kanya ngayon na "regular school is so difficult." Kinakailangan ko pa siyang takutin ng ibabalik namin siya sa SPED kung hindi siya magaaral ng mabuti... na isusumbong ko siya sa lolo niya.

Ayoko ng ginagawa ko. Ayoko ng tinatakot ko siya. Ayokong pilitin siya. Pero hindi ko matanggal sa sarili ko na mainis, na magalit pag hindi siya nasunod at gawin ang mga dapat niyang gawin. Na sumigaw pag hindi ko nakikita na bumubuti ang ugali niya. Na kakayanin niya na mamuhay ng normal.

Gusto kong umiyak.

Minsan, gusto ko ng sumuko.

Pero sa paanong paraan? San ko huhugutin ang damdaming 'pagsuko' kung sa araw-araw na nagdududa akong bubuti siya ay lalo ko naman siyang minamahal?

Minsan, gusto ko na lang siyang itigil sa pagaaral.

Pero sa paanong paraan? Pano ko maaatim na patigilin siya kung sa araw-araw na natatakot ako na kutyain siya ng mga tao dahil sa kanyang kalagayan ay lalo ko naman siyang nakikita na bumubuti?

Minsan, gusto ko ng iuntog ang ulo ko para makalimutan ko ang lahat.

Pero sa paanong paraan? Paano ko gugustuhing makalimutan ang lahat kung parte siya nito?

Mahal ko ang anak ko.

Minsan, nagdududa ako sa kakayahan niya. Minsan, nanghihina ako sa mga bagay na hindi niya magawa ng mabuti. Minsan, nagagalit ako sa mga maling nangyayari. Minsan, iniisip kong hindi ako ang tamang ina para sa kanya.

Pero, minsan lang yun.

Kaya ko ito. Alam ko. Sigurado ako.

Minsan lang kinakailangan kong magsumbong sa Diyos. Na sabihin sa kanya na huwag naman masyadong mabigat, Lord. Na sana bigyan ako ng mga araw na hindi ko kinakailangang magduda, sumigaw, magalit, at manakot.

Kahit minsan lang.

The Boy Who Could’ve Soared Higher

(sorry for not posting for too long... this post isn't about Dale, but i'm angry and i want to breathe. pardon the mistakes and all.)

Every child and adolescent has a right to education… or so I thought.

Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of becoming a teacher. I envisioned myself honing a child, watching a child develop, being a second mother. This dream magnified when I watched The Boy Who Could Fly when I was a kid and saw a teacher who kept an autistic student from being sent into an asylum.

As I grew older, the realization that a teacher’s salary cannot possibly be enough for my family struck me, so, I took on a different course and eventually became a call center employee.

However, there was still this call to teach someday, and I decided to take up units in Education so I could take the Licensure Examinations for Teachers. I took it in 2004 and passed.

I haven’t taught in a classroom setting yet. The cost of living and feeding three children alone made me re-think my career choices, but I still have high respect for teachers. Until I read a text message from my sister-in-law:

“si vhon, ayaw ng tanggapin sa school nila, nakausap ko yung adviser.”

When I spoke with my sister-in-law, she explained that the soon-to-be adviser Ms. Cleofe Abad (Christ The Lord of Harvest, San Mateo), was the one who talked to her. She was also the former Biology teacher of my nephew who also took a summer class with her.

The reason was the child already committed too many school violations. I asked my sister how many of these violations exactly does she know of. She said she knew of one formal complaint and incident report, wherein my nephew hit (“binatukan”) another student. Other than that, there was no formal complaint.

I love my nephew. That is evident. But, I also do not condone hurting people or any bad behavior. But this side I have to explain. My nephew is different than other 15-year old adolescents. This was made clear to every adviser who has handled my nephew before the start of every class.

We have noticed this “behavior” when he started school. He is hard-headed, ill-tempered, always on the go, rarely focused, easily irritated. These result to fights, first and foremost with the family, and then with the school. He also had difficulty on focusing on his studies other than sports. His parents tried every discipline strategy. They tried talking to him, they tried being hard on him… nothing worked. There were moments when my nephew listens and does what he is told, but he chooses those moments, and nobody can foretell when.

I have a special child of my own, who I am proud to say have been accepted in a regular school after four years of SPED. I even took a few units of SPED from the University of the Philippines just so I could understand my child’s disorder. That was also the time when the idea that my nephew could’ve been a special child, too, came to mind. But since he was already in high school, we thought he was too old for a diagnosis.

We have accepted the fact that he might not complete tertiary education at all, and we are trying our best to have him complete at least secondary education, and then have him trained for a livelihood, like automotive or just having a carwash business that his parents could eventually let him manage when he is ready.

As a licensed teacher, I swore under oath to become the best teacher I could be with the student’s welfare on top of my priorities. Now, I ask myself, did this Biology teacher took the same oath? What were her priorities as an educator? I cannot understand how a teacher who has taken an oath before God and country can deny a student his right to education.

They also said that it was the teacher’s decision; they couldn’t do anything about it. This particular student have been in this school for two years now, and this particular teacher was the only one my nephew does not like because he feels like “pinagiinitan siya”.

One particular incident was that my nephew failed to wear his polo shirt to class (instead, an ordinary shirt), he said he was sorry and would not do it again. He also said there were other students who were not wearing their uniform. This teacher asked him to leave the room and go home. When asked why she did so, she said “to be an example to other students.”

I told myself, if this is the kind of teacher I could be, I will be a disgrace to the profession. Using a student to educate other students like this is far more than setting an example. Why didn’t she order all those who were not wearing their uniforms to go home? Why use my nephew? Or is it something else?

My nephew also told us that one time, he fell asleep in class. Instead of waking him up properly, this teacher threw a chalk at him. We understand the fact that my nephew is difficult to deal with. What we can’t understand is why this Biology teacher cannot deal with it, while other teachers can?

She said my nephew passed the summer class. My sister-in-law asked her what grade her son got. She said, “bibigyan ko siya ng 75.” I ask myself again, is giving out grades like plucking it from nowhere? Just so my nephew will not be enrolled to her class and can be enrolled to another school, she will give him a passing mark?

She also said the school will provide my nephew a good moral character (certificate). Now, I ask you, if my nephew is as difficult as she has made his parents believe, why would they even give him this certificate?

I don’t even understand why the teacher was the one his parents were talking to. Why didn’t the principal herself talk to them? Is this how they handle difficult situations or they just do not know what their teachers are up to?

I still believe that being a teacher is the noblest profession. I still dream that one day I could afford to give up a well-paying job and teach instead. I still wish that my nephew can finish even secondary education without being ridiculed, shouted at, thrown a chalk, or be sent home for not wearing his uniform.

I remember my nephew telling me when he was younger, referring to something that I was coveting on TV: “Di bale Tita, ‘pag tapos ko ng college at yumaman ako, ibibili kita ng sampu niyan.”

I beamed at him that day, and wished really hard for it to come true. I prayed that someday, he could fly and soar higher than the rest. But now it seems like there are people who wants to clip his wings.

Ms. Abad, I tell you now and you must do well to remember it, you will not succeed in putting him down. If we cannot find more good teachers to formally teach him, then I would do it, even if it means not having a diploma telling him he finished secondary school. We will not let that piece of paper be the judge of what he can be.

As a line from my favorite movie says… if you wish hard enough, love long enough… anything is possible.

wow.

My blog is worth $5,080.86.
How much is your blog worth?

hanep no?

a day at the zoo

i wanted to go to the zoo for the longest time, but couldn't find the right time.
for holy week, my mom went to my brother's place for a vacation.
when she came home for Easter, I took the opportunity to
finally go to the zoo with my kids. my brother, his wife, and baby Bea went, too.

the first thing i noticed was the entrance fee. *grin*

since my dad worked for the zoo
when we were kids as a payroll clerk,
we could get in for free.
now, we had to pay. *LOL*

now, it's 40 bucks for adults and 20 for the kids.





next thing i noticed was... oh my God, where is Tony?!

And that pretty much sums up what I did there. Look for him.
Good thing my mom was there to take care of Dale who wasn't interested in animals, i guess. 'Coz all he did there was eat ice cream, and then play (there's a playground).







Unlike Tony, who couldn't last a minute from one cage to the next.
And with, i think, half of Manila and Pasay there that day,
I really couldn't afford to let him out of my sight.
i couldn't even get a decent picture of him.



anyway, it was fun. the animals were abundant compared
to the last time we were there (ages ago). except they were still missing a giraffe.
the old one, well, got old and died. pity.
the giraffe is one of the main attractions there.

of course there was this cool chimpanzee who has a kitten for a pet.
too many people around the cage = no picture.

and the scary limping tiger. the falcons... i loved the falcons!



the peacock.



the gigantic rhinos.



the turtles.



this drugged bird (or maybe the flash shocked his eyes out).



the bunnies that Bea loved.



and this lonely monkey. is it me, or is one of her tits showing? *LOL*

and the stuffed animals. Of course, they were off limits to people.
But hey, my brother got carried away and thought that Dad still
works there, so we kinda 'slipped' into the office quietly. *wakokokoko*

funny thing with the stuffed animals is that they scared the bejeezers out of Tony.
I was carrying him that time, and when he saw them,
he tightened his grip on my neck, and he probably would've killed me,
til I managed to say that they were already dead. and stuffed. *cough*



I couldn't blame him though, they scare me, too.



we only stayed there for less than 2 hours, but we were exhausted after.
what with all the chasing we did with Tony, and with the playing with
Bea who kept on going for the slides.

but it was a fun experience and if you really don't have enough money to spend,
the zoo is the right place to bring your kids for a little exploration.

Note:
if you're gonna go, bring food and drinks. they cost double there.
alcohol, a change of clothes, tissue, hankies are necessities.

oOo



i'm posting this triumphant smile coz Dale got in at
San Isidro Catholic School as Grade 1 full mainstream.
He did well during the interview, the principal informed me afterwards.
Her only negative comment was that he talks too fast.
He was asked to pray, to write certain words, count,
recite the alphabet, and some pertinent questions.

they only ask for submission of regular assessments,
and a dialogue with his former teacher.

he was sure that he got in that when i was looking at the list of school supplies
he needed he wanted me to buy them already.
he didn't leave until I said yes. and we did.

now, i really am not sure if i'm relieved that he passed.
coz now, i have these fears.
the workload, the schedule, the teacher, the classmates, the parents,
his bowel movement schedule, his penmanship, his... everything.

scenarios keep on flashing on me before i sleep, when i look at him, and in between meals.
what if he doesn't make it? what if he couldn't deal with it?

i'm also thinking too much 'coz i have to work.
with no yaya, and three kids going to school, how will we manage?

what if something happens and i'm called by the school for some reason and i'm at work?

during these times, i wish i wouldn't need to work and just be a
plain mother and be with my kids more.

but reality sucks.

big time.

happy days

the past two days have been busy with Anea and Dale's recognition days.
Thank God they were done on separate days or i'll be in a
dilemma to which recognition i'd have to go. *whew*

Anea received 2 medals, both for being the 3rd outstanding student in Grade 4.
One medal from the school, and the other from the Mayor.

<



The first week of March, Tony graduated from Nursery and was 10th in his class.



Today, it was Dale's turn. He was excited about the day.



Of course, who could be more happy and excited than me?



Dale officially graduated from the Pasay City SPED Center and was the Best in his class.



It was a happy day, even if it was raining... all the students received some kind of award.
It was also obvious that a lot graduated from SPED this year, unlike the past.
It was like the rain is blessing each and everyone there.



With his classmates and teacher:





He was so happy with his medal that the first thing he said was:

Call Papa.

What? I asked.

You call Papa, Yahoo Messenger mo sya.

We can't, we're outside the house.

O, i-text mo na lang.

Why ba? What will I tell him?

Tell him, I won a gold medal, o!

I couldn't help hugging him for his logic.
It's obvious that he misses his grandfather.

After the event, we all went to Max's to eat.
With all of us very hungry, I forgot to take pictures. *hehe*
The restaurant was full and busy.
A lot of students were celebrating their graduation day.

I was able to take my kid's pictures anyway,
and I'm so happy that all of them have awards this school year.









Indeed, you cannot have everything.
You may not be happy in some aspects of your life.
You may not have enough money, or a big house.
But God gives you what you deserve.
Something worth more than everything you've wished for.

Thank you for all the support and prayers.

*sigh*

Dale was unusually quiet today. I had to talk to him everytime so i'd make sure he's okay. I don't want him to go into a seizure again. Once is enough.

I was preparing dinner, and I saw him just staring out the sky... he stayed like that for more than 5 minutes... I asked him why he was quiet, he said, WALA LANG. AFTER I'M QUIET, I TALK.

oh well, okay, i thought.

then we ate dinner. When he was about to go down to start playing the computer again, he came running back to the dining room, and lay down the chairs... I asked him why, he said CLOSE THE DOOR. I did, and I noticed he looked scared. When he finished eating and went to brush his teeth, he asked for the lights to be turned on. He also asked me to stay with him beside the sink while he brush.

When all of us finished dinner, we found him curled on the sofa. I asked him why again. he said, there's something inside the CR.

I carried him to my mother's bedroom, and let him listen to the MP3 player til he fell asleep.

he was so scared i pity him. I told him there was nothing there. But he was still scared. i asked my kids, my mom, and the help if they said something or if he watched something on tv, they said no.

hay...

times like these, i wish i have lots of money and need not work so i can take care of him personally everyday.

p.s.
his teacher also told me about his rain instincts... along with Kim, his classmate with autism. I told her I already knew about it.

yesterday, the sky was so dark I was sure it's gonna rain... but Dale wasn't bothered, unlike before... so i asked him if it's gonna rain... he said NO without looking at me, and went down to play. Anea and I waited... after an hour or so, the clouds cleared.... IT DIDN'T RAIN.

it's good that Anea and I didn't bet on it.

Beh!

i went to Dale's school to talk to his teacher about his progress and
other plans for his improvement.
She told me too many beautiful things that Dale did...
His teacher also told me that Dale will
finish first this school year with a gold medal.
The recognition is on March 31st.

Why finish?
'Coz he can now be transferred to a regular school
as Grade 1 full mainstream this June.

It's as if the problem of the whole world dissolved into nothingness... hahaha!

nothing can top this.

that's why i chose the picture above to go with this post...
it's like Dale telling the whole world that he beat it.
"beh...!"

yey!
we're off to face new challenges in his life.
and we will face them no matter how difficult and painful they get.

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who showed concern and support...
My parents, family, and relatives.
His brother, Tony..
His sister, Anea..
My friends who were there with me all the time to see me cry and share my joy:
Bes, Mai, Anne, Basti, Bon, Saint, etc.
His teachers--Belle, Lisa, Shirley, Mila
All the other teachers and the principal who took part in changing his life.
The Pasay City SPED Center.

I know this is not the end, but a beginning...
but i would like to thank you people for every step accomplished...
i know another post like this will come in the future...
and my acknowledgment list will be longer than this.

thank you.

Thank God.

article on Autism Treatment for Older Kids

most of my worry about Dale is thinking about what could happen when he grows older. Would there be any problem with his social life.

read this... nice article on Autism treatment. =)

my reasons for breathing...

aren't they lovely?









my ate is so grown up!

this is what we do sometimes...but most of the time, we just watch DVDs and play. have a nice week ahead!