If you're troubled...

Halos lahat ng aspeto sa buhay, nagka-problema na ko.  pamilya, anak, asawa (super problem to the maximum level), kalusugan.  i will not deny that i have done some stupid things that i thought will make those problems go away.

i've been crying for more than half of my life, I came to a point that I'm not sure anymore if there is a God.

Then I realized, if there is no God, then everything is on me.  I have to make do of what I have.  I made a checklist in my head.  Asked myself who and what I was living for.  I called this list, my reasons for breathing.  Topping that list were my children.  And that's enough.  I could've stopped there.  But, everyday, I see things that makes it to the list.  Small things, like seeing a butterfly on the porch perched in a flower pot.

Now, I admit, I am a little scared of dying.  Not because of myself.  I am afraid for the people I will be leaving behind.  I know they will not survive that.  So, even if I felt like giving up, I couldn't.  I've been in and out of the hospital too much, the lab people are sick of me.  But I'm still here.  I still am breathing.  Because I do not live one day at a time anymore.  I live one breath at a time. 

I do think of the future.  I have to, because of Dale (my son who has autism).  The days that I have left here breathing, I would like to dedicate on keeping my family together.  I stopped being angry with my husband's failures or "kakulangan," as my mother always says.  Because I accepted the fact that I, too, have them.  I just had to open my eyes and realize them.

I am teaching my children to love one another, because in the end, that's all they will have left--each other.

I study not because I have to.  it's because I want to.  It makes me feel younger.  Younger means healthier.  I think my parents know this, because even if they sometimes question my decision to continue studying, they do not ask me to stop.

I take my medicines regularly, not because I want to, but because I have to.  If these expensive little pills will somehow, miraculously, give me more breaths to take, then I will take them.  As I said, not because I want to.... coz If it were me alone, I'm ready to die.  But because I have to, coz everything is not about me.

Pain is just a reminder.  Whatever you forgot, pain is there like a ribbon round your finger.

If you're crying because of pain, let them flow.  There is no shame in crying.  But, after you've exhausted yourself enough, stop.   Then face your problems.  Tears will not do you any good except for one thing. It was made to lubricate the eyes... to clean them... like windshield wipers... for you to see clearly again.

Sometimes, we all need a brick wall to bang our heads with, and that's ok.  Sometimes, you may want to die, and that's ok, too.  We're all human, anyway.  Just remember, you are alive for a reason.  Find that reason.  I don't think you need to look far.

Have faith.  Even if we don't see God, it doesn't mean He is not there.  Even if it seems like He doesn't answer your prayers, pray still.  He knows what He's doing.  After all, He is God.

I will not tell you to cheer up.  I will not tell you that I understand your pain.  I am not you.  I will also not tell you that there are people who are experiencing pain worse than yours.  Again, they are not you.

However, you are you.  You know yourself more than anyone.  Go tell yourself what you need to do.  Be brave, little one.

General Questions?

The reason I put up this blog is to keep memories of Dale, and to help other parents like me who have special children.  If you wish to know more about me, Dale, and our journey, please feel free to post them as comments below.

Thank you and have a stress-free day! :)

Update

I have been procrastinating for a long while.  I just didn't have the energy to post since my kidney transplant and then the rejection.  Anyhow, I managed to browse through almost everything on my blog today.

There are numerous comments that I needed to address and delete, as well.  I have to remember to change my settings to require comment moderation.  I can now easily blog, because of my iPhone, but that's another story.

So, what I did was....

• remove all spam comments
• update the therapy centers list
• put up a post where you can post your questions via comments, I will answer them to the best of my ability; if not, I ask my readers to please answer them for me.
• put up a post about advertising

I am aiming a lot for my two blogs (the other is at pinoynanay.blogspot.com).  One aim is to collect revenues from them since I am now an at-home mother because of my illness.

By the way, if you wish to know more about me and being sick, just click on my other blogsite.

Thank you for patronizing this blog and praying for Dale!

Have a stress-free day!

Dale and Girls

He looks too much like his Dad.

Dale will turn 14 this December.  We've had problems with regards to his sexuality as early as he was 9.  He would like watching love scenes in movies and tv shows.  He showed early malice.  However, when he turned 11, he understood how inappropriate some things are and he just stopped wanting to look at anything sensual, and with that came the embarrassment of kissing and hugging Mommy.

Dale is actually turning away from me during this shot.

He now does not want to hold my hand. He twists his hand away. :))  He explained that I am his Mom, and not his girlfriend.  I sometimes pout and say that maybe he doesn't love me anymore or he's embarrassed to be seen with me, so he just pats my back (the closest thing to a hug) and tells me that of course he loves me.

Happy day with Dale

He is growing up so fast.  He now towers over me.  Girls look at him differently now.  He claims that they are like "fangirls," because they call his name and pinch his cheek all the time.  "Cute," is the word they use to describe him.  I actually saw a girl give him a flying kiss last week on his way to school. @.@

His counselor said that Dale does not want to sit beside girls.  When I ask him this, he said, "You know about me and girls, Mom.  I don't want to get teased by my classmates."  

I asked him when he'll have a girlfriend, he said confidently "After college."


Before, I worry about his future, like would he be able to love?  To have a girlfriend?  To marry and have children?


When asked about the future, he said, "Mom what is the highest paying job?"  He said that he needs to have a high-paying job so he can buy a house where he could live with his wife.  He also claims that he will marry at age 26.  He computed the years when he will finish college, have a job, and save for a house.  He is really something!  

I can imagine how his kids would look like.  :)) Now, I rarely worry.  I am positive that he will accomplish his goals, and more.


p.s. 
It's actually the girls I'm worried about.  They are so liberated nowadays! PBBTeens!

Music, Dale, and Autism

There has been numerous researches and articles about the use of music therapy in autism.  I have no doubt that it can help.  Even with us folks, we have nothing special, but we feel different when we hear music.  It calms us.  It engages us.  It makes us feel alive.

Dale showed early signs of his interest in music when he started humming when he was younger.  He tinkered with the piano and can play simple tunes by ear.  Although he seldom sings, he can carry a tune.  My iPhone, which he borrows from time to time, now has his own folder.  His choice of apps are music and art related, as you can see from the picture on the side.

When I checked out the Glee application, I heard a song he said was his own composition.  It went a little like this:

"I'm roaming around, there's nothing I can do.
I'm roaming around, what should I do?"

It was funny!  I asked him why he did it, he said because I told him to stop roaming around.  :)

He also sang a song from one of his (and mine, as well) favorite bands, Viva la Vida by Coldplay.  It was nice because Dale speaks too fast most of the time, but in the song, I can understand him better.

On the violin:

I really wanted even one of my sons to learn the violin.  My first choice was to have Anton learn it.  However, he didn't want to study alone.  With budget restrictions, I told him they can't all study together.  We'd have to buy three violins!  So, Anton just went back to the choir.

Note:  Anton and Dale need church involvement.  Anton is in the choir, and Dale should've been in the rondalla, but he wanted to study violin instead.

Dale saw one girl from the rondalla playing the violin (?).  We asked and Don Bosco Makati has a program for people to learn music like guitar, violin, and piano for a small fee.


Note:  2,500 for the program!  Others cost 6,500.  When I asked his teacher about it, he said, it is part of his service to the Church.  :)

So, we bought a violin (1,600 from Raon), and a Suzuki 1 book (550 from Euphony).  His first official lesson started last Sunday.  Teacher Wes told me he did great!  He was able to finish more pages than most of the kids.  He was given homework when they were done.  It was a simple song that he has to practice.

I told him he needs to practice 30 minutes a day.  Yesterday, I didn't need to tell him to practice, he just went to my room and played the song for me.  He memorized it already! He didn't need to look at his book.

When his Dad asked me why we should enroll Dale to violin lessons, I told him, why shouldn't we?  As long as Dale shows interest in it, he will continue with his lessons.  We must do everything we could to make him better.

I love Dale the way he is.  With this quirks and weird gestures.  But, if there is a way to minimize them, I will try it, as I know that it sometimes "hurt" him.

One time, we were inside the church, he had a small tantrum wherein he shook his head more than usual, grimaced and told me "Mommy, I can't make it stop."

Now, how can I stop wanting to make him feel better?

First week

Yesterday, I sort of freaked out a bit coz Dale was already playing on the computer and he has not fixed his school requirements yet.

I checked his bag and saw that he was bringing his drawing notebooks to school. 4 big ones! I took them out and threw them on the floor. I said maybe he wasn't listening to his teachers and was drawing instead.

He quickly picked them up and said "mommy, you can get angry at me but please don't take it out on my notebooks... And I am listening to my teachers. I was about to fix my homework..." and he did.

Sigh.

Grade 7

things have been so chaotic... and lazy!

Kuya graduated from elementary! Yahoo!

I'm now in the process of making a Behavior Intervention Plan for him as required by the Principal/counselor. We will be having him assessed again. And they asked us to submit a Waiver of Admission, if we fail to comply. :))

Dale's McDonald's Kiddie Crew Experience

I enrolled my 2 boys (Dale and Tony) as Kiddie Crew at McDonald's Glorietta. Today is their 2nd day. I was apprehensive about Dale, as usual, being "exposed." Although I really am proud of him, I just have other thoughts that, again, Dale proved I shouldn't have.

During the orientation, they went on a tour around the store/kitchen. Dale was the oldest among the 7 crew members. They were given their uniform (shirt, cap, bag, and ID) and were asked to sing the kiddie crew song. Dale didn't want to sing, of course. I had to result to threats, like taking away his DS lite and no PC time, to no avail.

Their first day was no different. He still didn't want to sing. Although when it was their turn to go on the floor, he said "Mom, now this is more like it!" The boys were first assigned to clean tables, greet customers and assist them (bring their food to their tables) and the girls were assigned to take orders.

A foreigner gave Tony a tip, but the McDonald's staff-in-charge saw it and made Anton return it. But then another foreigner gave another boy a huge tip and he was persistent to give it to the boy, so they couldn't stop it from there... but then it was the boys' turn on the counter, so it was the girls who got most of the tips. haha!

See photos here. Video here.

They were given free spaghetti and drinks afterwards.

Today (2nd day), they were all assigned inside. Dale (I think because he was the tallest and oldest) was assigned to cook fries. Tony was taking and fixing orders. You can see from the video that Dale did well. The manager was happy about his performance. He danced a little even after getting a little burn on his finger.

When Dale was relieved of fries duty, a girl was asked to replace him but the crew said she gave up coz it was too hot and that the basket was heavy. Dale and Tony had a little fight coz we think Tony got a little jealous of Dale getting all the attention.

I then talked to the staff and told her if the two can be separated tomorrow, so that Dale won't mistakenly "steal" Tony's glory. hahaha. That was also the time I told them about Dale's little "problem." Everything turned out well!

Dale proved to be focused on the job, but needs to practice more on communication. Tomorrow will be their last day on the floor. Thursday will be their art workshop, and on Friday is their mini graduation at the branch. On May 28, there will be a grand graduation at the World Trade Center with the other Kiddie crew members around the metro.

See how they will dance on their graduation!

Thanks in advance to all the managers and staff of McDonald's Glorietta for their kindness and support! Everyone was helpful and encouraging. I wish we started doing this since Ate Anea so all of them had the chance to be part of your team. God bless you all.

Anguish, Love, and Learning

Thank you for everyone who supported me and Dale during the past couple of days. I am not going to lie and tell you that I am okay now with everything. My heart bleeds still. I've gone two days without sleep, and I became deeply depressed. I realized this was not an ordinary case. This was a case of discrimination.

It was my decision to transfer my children to my alma mater. The reasons were one, because it was nearer; and two, because I wanted them to be accustomed to a big school. Now, I realized I made the wrong decision.

It is too late now to transfer them again, and I don't want them to be strongly affected by all of these. A lot of you have informed and advised me to go to court with it. Some said to go to PAASCU and report the school and have their accreditation stripped.

Thank you.

But, I think that the best way to get back our dignity is to inform people, as many as we can, about the issue of autism and discrimination.

Dale was diagnosed as having autism at age 3. He was non-verbal at first, but he eventually started talking when his younger brother also started talking to him, making him our first therapist. We enrolled Dale in the early intervention program of Pasay City SPED Center, where he stayed for 4 years. During those times, he excelled intellectually and was even featured in the docufilm "Alyana" (by MiranaMedina; http://advocacine.wordpress.com).

He graduated from SPED with honors and was accepted as Grade 1 (fully included) at San Isidro Catholic School. Of course, being a child with special needs, there were minor problems that arose, but due to his intellect and easy grasp of things, we have never been called in for anything major.

During those years, he learned he was different from other children and he eventually accepted that he needed help. He was quick to accept faults and even quicker to forgive.

When he entered his recent school, he was placed in the "star" section (based on his grades and his entrance test results) and from day 1 we have encountered problems with them (see http://arolfdelano.multiply.com/journal/item/81/A_New_Beginning). During that year, we have had minimal problems with Dale and his teachers.

When he entered Grade 5, it was then a different story. During the first conference with his teachers, they even told me they were not sure how Dale passed Grade 4.

Now that this happened (http://www.facebook.com/notes/reich-delos-santos-santos/untitled/486215821253), I am not sure of what to do anymore. All I know is that not everything is about me, nor Dale. I have to think of my other two children who can survive in that school. Making a legal move can affect not only Dale, but them as well. And I wouldn't want that.

All I know is what the school did was wrong. They accepted my son knowing who he is. They have the responsibility not only to him, but to us parents and the whole community. The principal also told me that "yung iba nga pong teachers, pinapabayaan na lang nila si "Dale" for the benefit of the other students." Meaning, my son is being neglected as well.

His counselor told me, there were children who were worse than Dale. Others, were "normal." I'm not sure what's so "special" about Dale that they do not want him there.

I told Dale the truth. When he heard it, he smiled a little (the prospect of not going to school is tempting to every student), but his face slowly changed into a frown when he realized what I was saying. He said "You mean, they think that I'm gonna ruin everything when I'm there?" How do you answer that?

You may also ask me, how could I have had the heart to tell him the truth?

I love my son. That, I think, is obvious. I have done everything I could for him. I have shielded him to the best of my ability from things that might hurt him. But he is getting older. I believe that he needs to develop a deeper sense of understanding of how cruel the society we live in is sometimes, because if not, he will always be taken advantage of. I will not live forever, and I cannot stand up for him all the time. Getting sick made me realize how short life is.

I am not stupid. I graduated high school from that school, as well. I finished college with honors. I got my teaching license after pursuing a teaching certificate. I am now 6 units, a practicum and a thesis short of an M.A. degree in Education. I write for an international autism community website. And most importantly, I am the daughter of brilliant parents, both coming from clans that cannot be reckoned with. I cannot understand how they had the audacity to even suggest such a horrendous and inhumane act, and thinking they can get away with it.

Let this be a lesson to all teachers, because it was for me. Be reminded of what we have sworn into.

Section 2. A teacher shall recognize that the interest and welfare of learners are of first and foremost concern, and shall deal justifiably and impartially with each of them.

Section 3. Under no circumstance shall a teacher be prejudiced or discriminate against a learner.

If you do not have the heart and compassion for ALL students, don't teach! This was said to be the noblest profession. Let us not tarnish the reputation of the teachers who are dedicated to their profession. Let us not be stagnant and be still. Teachers should also learn.

The prevalence of autism in 2009 was estimated to have reached 1:91 children. This just means that more and more children with special needs will come into your classrooms. Be proactive and learn how to manage and handle them. They are no different from any other children, except that they need more understanding and patience--two traits that should be inherent in every educator.

You do not even have to enroll in special courses. Google it!

Lastly, let us be responsible in making other people aware of this rising condition. People do not care, because they do not know. People do not care, because they do not have a "Dale." Ask yourself, if Dale was your son, would you do the same thing?

Please start by reading an article from the Inquirer. This gave me hope today. http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/inquirerheadlines/learning/view/20110116-314873/Engaging_Gabriel

We are currently celebrating National Autism Consciousness Week. See the Autism Society Philippines website -- http://autismsocietyphilippines.blogspot.com/2010/12/15th-national-autism-consciousness-week.html

For more information about Dale's journey, please go to http://possibilities1217.blogspot.com

Please be an angel by spreading the word.

Again, my sincerest gratitude to everybody. Hugs from Dale. God bless you.

Untitled (due to too much pain)

Sometimes, you realize that there really is no easy way for a child with autism. There will always be someone, or some organization that will put him down.

I just came from the Principal's office where my son, Dale (12), is now enrolled as Grade 5 (included). When I received a call from his adviser that the Principal wanted to talk to me, and it was about Dale and the upcoming "accreditation" visit (24th and 25th), my mind went into overdrive and it started speculating on its own.

There was only one thought that came into my mind. That they would want Dale to not come to school on the said dates. I was constructing words and answers that I will say to the Principal if that was the case.

Whatever those words were, it all disappeared when I actually heard what they wanted to say. I was right.

I was dumbfounded. I was hurt. I was moved to tears.

These people had the nerve to tell me that maybe Dale should stay at home. I stopped to breathe, looked away to control my anger, and asked her why. She said that it was the suggestion of the teachers, Dale is difficult to handle, that they will be observed in all aspects, etc.

There is a second option, that is, during the times that the teacher cannot handle Dale, he will be brought to the Guidance office.

So, having him stay at home was the first option?

I was shaking with rage, but I controlled myself. As an educator myself, I was trying to put myself in the shoes of those teachers. I tried my best to understand their situation.

I gave the Principal a third option. I said maybe his guidance counselor can shadow. She said that it was one of the options. My mind was, like, questioning their decisions. One of the options? Because from my point of view, and I think from every person involved with a special child will say, that was the BEST option.

I told her, if your teachers cannot control one child, I don't think that you deserve the accreditation. I also asked her, would Dale ruin their chances for accreditation? She said no. Then, I don't see any reason for them to fret and decide like this. It's awful.

I hate to say this, but I think the Principal is not fit to be one. This issue should be handled differently. The message should have been worded carefully. Every action should have been thought over and over. Pros and cons should have been considered before they acted.

They did not even think of the repercussions of their decisions? On this day and age of computers and online communities? I am not trying to besmirch their "good" name, that is why I have not included it in this post. However, things like this cannot be helped. If you throw a pebble in the water, ripples will form. I have also thought about the repercussions of this post, and it also cannot be helped. I am a mother. I was hurt and I have the right to voice my opinion just like they did.

Before I left, I told her that we stick to the decision that Dale will come to school on those dates. I use the word we, I said, because this does not just concern me. This concerns the whole family. And not just my family, but the whole autism community. But I also told her, that on my part, I will "condition" Dale so that during those dates, he will indeed behave.

When Dale arrived, I talked to him, he said "But I do behave when there are visitors! Of course, I have to because they are important people!"

I talked to his guidance counselor on the phone, and expressed my concerns. She was very apologetic, very helpful and open to suggestions and views. She also said that Dale does behave during observations last year. So, I left the issue with her. I also apologized for the additional work, and I expressed that I do understand where they were coming from, but they should also understand us first and foremost. This was not just any school after all. We pay them 50K a year for every child, and we have three in their care.

As Dale's younger brother said when asked if their decision was correct: "No, because we all have the right to education."